The table is very cold beneath you, the environment is sterile. Suzie is uncharacteristically quiet as a mouse up against the wall, watching you. She has finally run out of anything to say. You can tell that she is glad that it is not her on the table. You are both waiting for the nurse to return with the doctor. The procedure will be today. Suzie will leave the room as soon as the doctor returns for a quick, final consultation. He is going to explain the procedure step by step so you will not be afraid.
When you arrived, getting through the phalanx of angry people protesting the abortion clinic had been very upsetting. Northwestern Medical Center was on a list of hospitals that the conservative organizations targeted for TV coverage. Today they had definitely been out in force. Their faces were coming at you like stretched drama masks rocking back and forth. Their mouths looked like gashes in their faces. You could not believe the hatred of these people. In the back of your mind you were telling yourself that they would not physically assault you, but their raised placards and fists made you unsure of this thought. Their shouts were both accusatory and condemning. You were a baby killer and you were going to hell. Weren’t these people supposed to be Christians? They seemed so dangerously unbalanced. They shouted at you and shook their signs up into your face. The cardboard rattled against the signs’ sticks like the warning of a snake.
Mom pushed them away from you and Suzie, shouting expletives furiously, bravely, and all three of you had dashed for the sliding glass doors of the outpatient entrance. Then you were within the quiet sanctuary of the hospital. The nurses who had witnessed the assault were exclaiming their outrage and rushing to comfort you.
The protestors’ assault was bad enough to jolt you to the full realization of why you were here. They were out there for a reason, and that reason was now you. Disquieting thoughts rushed through your head. You can’t believe you got yourself into such a hot mess. The whole idea of a surprise pregnancy scares the bejeebers out of you and grosses you out at the same time. If this pregnancy is allowed to progress, your belly will stretch out like a basketball is stuffed in to it. The idea is so sickening it is enough to make your stomach turn.
Your normal weight was alright. Still, there was always room for improvement. Losing a few pounds wouldn’t hurt, but you’ve always been able to suck in that diaphragm and keep that tummy flat when nice-looking guys were around. Now it was harder to get that belly flat, and to your own eyes, you look noticeably rounded.
You lift your shirt to see a full view of your belly. It makes you feel strange that some foreign object was growing inside you. The clinic gave you an estimate of twelve weeks of life so far. They showed you pictures where this baby was all huddled up in a ball, looking like nothing much, but you could sure see all the fingers and toes. The nurse told you that you were in the first trimester. No one at school could tell you were pregnant so far, and thankfully, no nosey teachers had approached with unwanted advice.
You had told only your BFF, but Suzie confessed that she told another friend. That had made you mad as hell because the girl Suzie told was your boyfriend’s sister. And John’s mom and dad didn’t care for you too much. You were afraid that Danielle might blackmail John with this tasty bit of information. The knowledge was too close to John’s parents’ ears for his own comfort. He had been so upset and scared that you’d both had a big blowup with Suzie over it. Finally, everything calmed down. Suzie had penitently apologized. She swore Danielle to secrecy and promised not to tell anyone else. John was afraid out of his mind that not only his mom and dad, but his football coach and other friends would find out. He did not want this information all over the school.
Just in the last year, within your core little group of friends, Ashley and Brenda revealed that they were both pregnant within two months of each other. Brenda had brought her baby to term and decided to keep it. Her life drastically changed. She couldn’t go to parties or concerts she was invited to. No more football games. Her texting was rushed and. Sometimes she didn’t answer back at all. It was hard to make plans to go anywhere with her because she needed to get a babysitter. Her life seemed no longer her own. The baby took up every waking second.
Ashley had delivered her baby, but her mother insisted coldly that the baby be given up for adoption.
You heard the horror story of how Ashley had been forced to hand her newborn baby over to an adoption agency, and how she cried and cried and cried. But her mother would not relent. The baby was a girl, and the hospital whisked the baby out of Ashley’s hands and into the arms of a representative of the adoption agency. There were two parents somewhere in the Los Angeles area, waiting impatiently for their bundle to arrive.
No one would be waiting for your bundle. You decided, almost from the beginning, that you would terminate this pregnancy. You couldn’t conceive any other plan. You did not consider yourself to be brave enough to keep a child or to adopt one out. Neither scenario appealed to you. After all, you do not know this child. If you got rid of the fetus, it would be like x’ing it out and going back to the way things were before you had this strange invader developing in, and living off your body without your permission.
Your fifteenth birthday party was only two weeks away. It had been planned by your mother to be a small affair, but an intensely personal one. Your father was coming from Texas, where he had decided to move after your parents’ sad, but amicable divorce. It had been four years since he left, and in that time, he had not remarried. Mom saw it as a sign that, deep down, he was still in love with her. She was still holding a candle for him. You know that means she wants him back, but so do you.
A sudden shudder creeps through your body. If Dad knew that you were pregnant, he would tell Mom that she was a bad mother, and force you to live with him in Houston for good. Not just long, friendless summers. You would lose access to Mom, John, and all your friends. You would be living in a place where you knew no one.
John had refused to be with you when you finally got the nerve to tell Mom. Her behavior was predictable. Mom had a fit in your bedroom when you told her that it was morning sickness that was causing you to stay home from school. She demanded to know why you didn’t take the Morning After pill. She said that all you would have had to do was march your missy ass into a drug store and ask for that pill from the pharmacist.
Adults have to be kidding. No teen in her right mind would have the courage to go into a pharmacy and ask for an abortion drug! Everyone would know what she was doing! Why do these idiots think teens would chance sex in the back seat of a car with a guy that isn’t wearing a condom? Because they don’t want everybody in their business. After all, just because you sleep with someone, that doesn’t mean you’re going to get pregnant. Ashley slept with at least three guys before she got pregnant. Sarah has never come up pregnant yet and she slept with zillions of guys.
You would laugh it this was not all so serious. You have been in a drug store with John before and watched him trying to buy condoms. It had been somewhat humorous to watch him in the condom aisle, pretending to be looking at something else because he didn’t want the old lady customer near him to know what he was there to buy. Then ultimately, John would chicken out. He didn’t want anyone to see him picking up the box, and he didn’t want to go through the check stand either. The cashier would laugh about the same box of condoms when he tried to buy them. Who needs the comments? John was disgusted at the amount of time it would take to buy a simple box of rubbers, and condoms were horribly expensive. What should have been an in and out purchase became on odyssey. John had decided that it was worth it to chance a pregnancy. He said he liked the feeling better with nothing between the two of you.
At the time, you thought that he was probably right. Buying condoms was embarrassing. It was easier to chance it.
Now, here you were on a cold, hard table, moving uncomfortably with crunchy, sterile paper sticking to your suddenly perspiring body, waiting for the doctor to come in to return you to your former self.
You were charged $300 for a twenty-minute procedure. Your mom’s emergency fund supplied $100. That money was kept for unexpected household expenses, and mom was not too happy about having to give it up. Mom had been able to scrape another $50 from her bank account. She personally borrowed $100 from your grandma by telling the elderly woman who it was for last-minute birthday party favors that she had forgotten to add into her expenses. Gramma was crabby when she forked over the money, and reminded Mom that because she was on a fixed income she would have to be paid back. The last $50 came from Suzie. Her mother had given her the money to go to a concert. She pretended to go and hoarded the money, which she handed over to you at school.
It was a big surprise when the clinic asked for an additional $75 for some unexpected expenses you had not budgeted for. When it was obvious that you did not have the extra funds, and that your mother had a good chance of going into a nuclear meltdown, the clinic waived the last part of the fee for an immediate payment, and asked Mom to sign papers saying she would be responsible for a later payment. She signed.
It was agreed that Suzie would step out of the room when the doctor came in, but Mom would stay for moral support.
The clock on the wall began to tick louder and louder and louder as each minute slid by. Where was the doctor? You began to feel more and more sick. Was this the right thing to do? What would people think if they found out? You could not wait to be rid of it. Everything would be the same when it was gone. No one had to know. Well, Suzie and Danielle and Mom and John knew, but that was it . . .
What would the baby look like if it was born? Would it have black hair and blue eyes like John? . . . Or, green eyes and brown hair like yours? Would it be a boy or a girl? If you had the baby, not that you’re going to, but if you did, would John marry you? . . . Or, would John not have anything to do with you after that? What would happen to school? How would you even finish? Mom told you from the beginning that you were definitely not ready to be a mother. She could not get you to do your own laundry or clean your room, let alone take on the responsibility of caring for an infant. Mom had already warned you that she was not interested in raising another child, that she would not babysit or help you care for a child.
Mom let you know that she was trying some dating web sites, and if Dad didn’t come back to her, she intended to marry again. She has let you know in no uncertain terms that when you are 18, she is moving to Florida and you are moving on with your own life. That is only three short years away. She let you know she feels too young to be a grandma. There will be no support, financial or otherwise, coming from her end. You are entertaining the idea that she is with you today to make sure the deed is done. But you don’t want to think about that too much. That would be too horrible to contemplate.
Mom does let you know that she is sorry that she has not helped you get on birth control sooner. She was not sexually active when she was fourteen years old, and she thought that you would not be either.
Your mind is spinning with one sorrow piling on another. Even though you are flanked on either side by what appears to be your support team – Mom and Suzie . . . you feel all alone. You’re wondering if it’s too late to reconsider. What if John realized that the best thing to do would be to marry you? What if Mom realized that being a grandma wasn’t so horrible? What if John’s mother didn’t dislike you so much? What if . . .
Too late. The doctor enters the room and the nurse begins to bustle about beside him, laying out instruments. Suzie slips out of the room. Mom looks at you encouragingly. The doctor approaches you with a fixed, pleasant smile on his face. You are given quick instructions and then told to scoot yourself to the end of the table and put your surgical sock-covered feet into the stirrups. He slips a surgical mask that is hanging around his neck up over his face.
The doctor’s conversation with you is supposed to calm you. It is about mundane, everyday things. The tone of his voice is mellow and you find yourself in a conversation about what kind of fun things you will be doing this coming summer in Houston. You are calmed into thinking the doctor is doing you no harm at all. You can hear a strange sucking noise coming from a slim, metal instrument in his hand, but his voice and the vacuum have a lulling effect on the moment, and these two ordinary things both seem so natural that you accept them as background noises to an unusual circumstance that is being made, at that moment, common and unthreatening.
When the doctor is finished, the vacuum snaps off. He puts the instrument down and tells you that you have been a very good patient. He makes polite small talk but you can tell that he is trying to exit the room. He explains that he is behind schedule and that he has several other procedures to do that day. The nurse stays to give you post-operative instructions. You find that it is over in a flash. You are disappointed that the doctor didn’t show more sorrow over a such a sad and final end to the life of a baby. You almost felt, in a strange way, that it would have made you feel better if the doctor had held your hand and told you how sorry he was that you had to make this momentous decision alone . . .
You sit straight up in bed with sweat beading on your lip and in your hair line. The digital clock on the nightstand beside your bed reads 12:08 am. The date reads out Friday, August 10, 2012. You feel supremely confused. You must have come back from the outpatient at the hospital and slept all the way until now. But Friday the 8th is the day the procedure had been set at the Northwestern Medical Center for 2 pm sharp. It can’t be Friday. You reach across and grab your cell phone. The screen says that it’s Friday, August 10 at 12:09 am.
You feel stunned by the vividness of the dream. It had been so real. You wonder if God has been talking to you.
On the other side of your room, something catches the peripheral vision of your right eye. It’s the long neck and the face of a stuffed giraffe that you carried around with you when you were two years old. His name is Mr. Brownie The toy has seen better days. Right now it is being lit by a street light that is peaking in through the second story window. You realize you had dreamt the entire procedure in true color. You cannot believe that the abortion is still waiting for you on Friday at 2 pm at Northwestern Medical Center, Dr. Irvin Arthur presiding.
You throw back the covers and sit up restlessly. You stand and look down over Hello Kitty pajamas. You pad over to the beat-up giraffe. It is in a pile of other stuffed critters on a shelf by the window. When you turned 13 you had taken all of your stuffed animals off the bed and banished them to a nearby shelf to proudly mark the turn to teen. You scoop up the prized animal. There is a worn tag still hooked to its long orange and brown neck. As you read it, tears begin to slip down your face. “I love you forever, Princess. XOXOXO No matter what you do, no matter where you go, you can count on me! Dad”
The toy is a ridiculous stuffed giraffe with one button eye. You can’t believe it’s talking to you without saying a word. God is talking to you.
You don’t know what to say, so you’re quiet.
“Who is this?” He asks in a crabby tone. “I’m gonna hang up if you don’t answer.”
“Dad? . . . I need — to come to Houston . . . for a little while. Do you think — that would be okay?”
“Brook? What’s wrong?” He sounds suddenly more alert. “Is something wrong with your mother? Are you okay?”
“Mom’s fine. But, um, I’m in trouble.”
“What’s happening? What’s wrong?”
“Dad, I’m pregnant. Mom wants me to have an abortion. I need help. I need help!”
“Shit! No, no. Oh my God, Brooke!”
“Don’t be mad, Dad, please. I need help.”
“I’m not mad, Brooke, it’s just a lot to take to at 2 am! Of course you don’t have to get an abortion. I’ll be on the next plane out of Houston and I’ll be there in the morning. Tell your mother I’m coming and you’re not going through with it. You’re coming home with me. I’m going to take care of everything . . . Don’t you worry.”
You begin to cry and you can’t stop.
“Princess, You’re going to be okay. We’re going to work through it. Everything will be alright. Daddy loves you . . .”
East Beach, Galveston Island, Texas
You put down your book, yawn, and dip your toes into the warm sand at the edge of your beach towel. You cannot imagine a scene more idyllic than this day. The weather was mild, neither too warm, nor too cool. Luca is sitting in the sand nearby, blissfully playing with a small pile of pastel shells. Next to him are three large sand dollars. You cold see him trying to be more gentle with them because you told him that if he did not break them, you would use the sand dollars to buy ice cream when you left the beach. The look of suspicion on his sweet little, rosy-cheeked face had been fleeting as his desire for a mint chocolate chip ice cream cone wiped out any hint of disbelief.
You watched as he appeared to study each shell with great interest. He dropped them one by one into the bright orange, plastic pail you had purchased for him at one of the many kiosks that dotted the water front. The yellow shovel was stuck in the sand next to him, forgotten for now because of his fascination with the patterns on the shells.
Luca was talking to himself in earnest. You could not hear what he was saying, except that you could make out two words from this very serious conversation, and those words were, “Ice cweam” and “Gwampa”.
Your mouth curved into a smile of pure pleasure. Luca is so beautiful. You do not have to wonder anymore what he would have looked like. He is sitting right here in front of you, the absolute love of your life. His hair is black with lots of silky curls. You have a hard time telling the barber to cut his hair short because all those curls would be cut off.
It creeps you out a little that everyone wants to put their hands in his hair. Old ladies approach you in the store to touch his adorable, little, cherubic face and run their fingers through his hair. Young women stop you on the street to tell you how darling he is. Right now those curls were moving around because a light breeze is rifling through his hair. John had won the hair war, but at least you found yourself in the shape of his eyes and their color. Luca’s eyes were green like your own. His dad’s blue eyes would have been nice, but God had chosen a pretty fine combination and you didn’t need any more reminders of John.
A lot had happened in the two years that have just passed. When you got off the phone with Dad, he insisted on speaking to Mom and all hell broke loose. You could tell the conversation on the other end of the phone was not good. Mom began to scream at him and finally slammed your cell phone down so hard that it broke. Mom was so mad that she would not speak to you, just huffed around. When Dad arrived from Houston, he collected you in dead silence. The atmosphere felt like it had been poisoned. You were sorry that you had caused this bad blood between Mom and Dad, but you realize their relationship had never really been that great.
When you were on the plane back to Houston, you began to cry again for all that you were losing as the plane lifted you up and away. You had lost John, Suzie, school, Mom. You were preggers, and if felt like life as you knew it had ended. And it did.
You kept in touch with Suzie for a while. John told everyone at school that the baby was someone else’s. He said that you slept around and that he had broken up with you in disgust.
John’s parents contacted Dad and told him they wanted a DNA test done on the child to make sure the baby was John’s. They let Dad know that unless they could prove the baby was John’s, they would refuse to pay even one thin dime to help raise the unborn child. They believed that if the baby was John’s, you had gotten pregnant on purpose to trap John into many years of support payments.
Dad was so mad that he agreed that you would get a paternity test. He wanted to take the case to court. He wanted to turn both parents upside down and shake their pockets out. He wanted them to pay for what their son did to you. It was embarrassing and you were glad that you were not there for all of the bomb fallout.
When Dad finally realized that John was denying he was the father and was telling everyone that you had slept with at least three other guys, that was the last straw. Dad was so furious that John was smearing you, he called John’s house and told them all to piss off. He absolved them of any responsibilities and rights. He would raise the child himself with no input from them. Ever.
At first, John’s attitude mystified you. You believed you were in love with him and he loved you. But love does not betray, and after a while, you begin to wonder what you had seen in him in the first place.
It wasn’t long into your pregnancy that you found out from a mutual friend that John and Suzie were dating each other now, but you were very shocked to also hear that Suzie was pregnant. If that turned out to be true, John’s parents were going to have a cow. You wondered if Suzie would make an appointment at Northwestern Medical, or if she would keep her baby.
Your gaze is now welded on Luca’s sweet little face, and a small tremor moves through your body as you come to a full awareness of a hard fact. You had had an appointment with the honorable Dr. Irvin Arthur to suck Luca out of your body in pieces. After all, you did not know him as a person. Even though he was forming in your body, you did not know him.
The peaceful, happy moment of watching him play saw you frozen in horror as your mind considers the destruction of this darling little specimen of the human race. He has bright, inquisitive, green eyes, fluffy, silly, dark curls, pink-tinted cheeks, and a mouth that was shaped like a little bow.
You can’t even begin to contemplate what your life would be like without him.
What if you had destroyed him? You realize that you would have destroyed yourself. Your relationship with John had not been that great, no matter what you told yourself at the time. John was bad-tempered and mean. He looked at the other girls at school all the time and compared you to them. He would tell you that you were a little too fat for him, or if you blonded your hair, you would be prettier.
John made you feel depressed and sad. It shocked you now to think about it. You had allowed yourself to be victimized by a creep.
Living with Mom had not been a piece of cake. She was moody and hard to please. She was more worried about herself than you.
Suzie turned out to be not much of a Best Friend. Since she had decided to go out with John she stopped communicating with you completely. Not that you really cared. No big loss. You found out that she didn’t just tell Danielle about your pregnancy, she spread the news all over the school.
School work had been boring and a drag. You wanted to be a beautician. Why was it necessary to learn Shakespeare and polynomials?
It was hard to admit, living with Dad was a lot easier than living with Mom. At least you could reason with him, and he had stepped up to his role as grandpa.
Dad purchased everything you need for a nursery. Luca has a bassinette, a baby-changing station, a playpen, numerous toys, diaper bag complete with accessories, a rocking chair, bottles, rattles, a balloon wall mural, a light that cast colors and stars on the ceiling, and a puffy airplane mobile for the crib that would be moved in soon. He even went out and purchased a year’s worth of diapers from newborn to toddler size.
Dad went to Lamaze classes with you, helped you finish high school on-line by your seventeenth birthday, and was planning to help you register this fall for junior college classes.
Thankfully, Gramma Keats was close by and the three of you balanced work schedules so that Luca would be with one of you most of the time and at daycare for only a few hours a day.
“Mommy . . . ?” Luca’s sorrowful face broke your reverie. “I boke a dollah.”
He stood. Tears were slipping down his face as he showed you one of the sand dollars in two halves. The delicate body was a structural crumble in his hands.
“I boke a dollah.” Now he was wailing. His heart was broken.
“Luca, how many more dollars do you have left?”
You watch him drop the two broken halves and retrieve the two whole creatures that he had laid carefully on the sand. His baby voice says mournfully, “Two.”
“Well, you’re in luck, Baby. Today you only need one dollar to buy ice cream.”
“One dollah?” Luca is shrieking in sheer child joy. “Mommy get ice cweam too.”
You sweep him up into your arms and you are shrieking together like a crazed pair of dopes, twirling around and around until the pull of the sand under your feet completely exhausts you. You’re laughing and saying together, “Mommy get ice cwean too. Mommy get ice cwean too.” You don’t even care if everyone on the beach thinks you’re crazy. Finally, you stop yourself from another fit of silly. Before Luca, you never laughed so much.
As you pack up your beach gear, Luca is chasing a sand piper. The bird is used to beach visitors and barely acknowledges his presence. Luca tries to catch the bird, but it easily evades the chubby hand reaching for it.
You found that living in a big city where nobody knows you has its charms.
Having Luca had been as hard as hell. You could not conceive of anything that had ever happened to you in your entire life that had been that horrifying. In the beginning of the pregnancy you were sick in the morning every day for four months. You did not want to get out of bed. Dad had been late to work zillions of times. He felt sorry for you and held your lolling head as you barfed and barfed and barfed into the upstairs toilet. There would be no downstairs for you for a very long while, by choice.
Your new cell phone was your only contact with the outside world, and you really weren’t using it much.
Delivering the baby made you feel like you had been ripped apart. You were in labor for eighteen hours. Your mother had refused to be with you at all. Your dad was so tired he looked like a zombie. He had big, black circles under his eyes from fatigue, but he was still trying to be encouraging to you, still trying to keep a good attitude, and doing a better job than you were at that moment.
Finally, the baby made an appearance The name you had chosen went out the window and you gave him Dad’s name instead. Dad cried when you called him Grandpa. Tears of happiness.
A noise from Luca brings you our of your thoughts. “Ooooh. Ice cweam.”
Someone walks by with a double-decker cone. Luca is mesmerized. So are you. Again, for that moment, you cannot take your eyes off of him. It is like looking at one of God’s masterpieces.
“I love ice cweam.” Luca gushes, watching the cone being devoured in the hand of an oblivious customer who is moving away from the line.
“You know what, baby Luca?” You ask.
“Wha?” His bright eyes turn towards you with a question.
“Momma loves you.”
Luca’s mouth curves into a bow as he laughs. “Luca loves ice cweam. Momma loves Luca.”
All the craziness of that first year in Houston is gone, and you realize you are blissfully happy. If you would have gone through with the abortion at Northwestern Hospital, you would have missed out on this. Your eyes mist over and you thank God for an old, silly-looking, stuffed giraffe. At home, that beat up giraffe is now in a glass case that Daddy had purchased. The toy no longer sat in a group of forgotten stuffed animals. It was prominently and proudly displayed in the living room in the glass casing to preserve it from further deterioration.
You had hurriedly packed that giraffe in your suitcase when Daddy came from Houston to get you. You told him about your strange dream and seeing the giraffe on the shelf with the tag hanging off the neck the night before you were supposed to go in for the procedure. You told him that what he had written on the tag when you were five years old made you call him that night. Your daddy listened to the whole, sad tale and came to the same conclusion you had.
The giraffe had saved Luca’s life.
But he explained that the stuffed animal had also saved his.
Dad confessed that he had been really down that night. He was lonely and wanted you to live with him, but he did not think you would make the change from all your friends to a new city. The night that you called, he had asked his girlfriend to marry him. She broke up with him instead. He had been despondent enough to consider suicide. His life appeared to be going nowhere. What you supposed was sleepiness was too much scotch whiskey. He had been handling his service revolver with the intent to use the weapon on himself. He thought that the booze would give him the courage go through with it. Instead, his phone rang.
Luca’s birth had ended up saving Daddy’s life. All of his energy would now go into helping to raise the child. He is so proud of his little baby that he could pop. Life is good!
God reached down from heaven and spoke to both of them through Mr. Brownie.
Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”